


Separation Anxiety

by Ava_now



Series: Barisi Dads AU [15]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Support, M/M, Oral Sex, Psychological Trauma, Separations, family fic, family support, parenting struggles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-27
Updated: 2020-06-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:49:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24937825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ava_now/pseuds/Ava_now
Summary: Sonny's coming home from a 15-day undercover operation, and his family has struggled a little without him.  How will their reunification go?TW: discussion of takedown of a pedophile ring, consistent with dialogue you might hear on the show.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Series: Barisi Dads AU [15]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1541101
Comments: 12
Kudos: 48





	Separation Anxiety

“Okay, mija! Let’s finish packing your bag for tonight!” Rafael lay a clean set of clothing in his daughter’s overnight bag. “Pick out the pj’s you want for tonight. And don’t forget your bunny!”

Marley picked up her knuffle bunny and handed it to him. “Papi, I don’t wanna go to Abby’s house tonight. I wanna stay here and wait for Daddy.” Her bottom lip was out in a pout. 

He sat down on her bed, next to the bag. “Come here, mija.” He scooped her up and set her in his lap. “You miss Daddy, don’t you?”

“Uh-huh.” She nodded. “I haven’t gotted to see him in...in...in two whole weeks! That’s a lotta days, Papi.”

Rafael nodded. Sonny had been gone undercover for fifteen days. He had gotten a call this morning from Liv saying they’d taken down their perps and Sonny would be home sometime this evening. “You’re right, princesa, it’s a lot of days. But do you remember what Daddy said he needs?”

She nodded. “Yeah. For us to be safe and have fun, and he needs a big sleep when he gets home, before he tan play.”

“That’s right,” Rafael told her. Ever since they started dating, Sonny’s undercover work was the single most difficult thing in their relationship, as far as Rafael was concerned. The loneliness, compounded with the nonstop worry, wore him out. After Sonny’s first UC assignment, they had talked honestly about what they each needed. For Rafael, it was time alone with Sonny to reconnect, without family and friends. For Sonny, it was sleep. Once Marley came along, they had continued that commitment, making sure to explain it to their daughter in a way she could understand. “So how’d we do, mija?” he asked now. “Did we have fun? Were we safe?”

She nodded. “Uh huh! An’ we did lotsa fun stuff too! You taked me to the park, and we went to the movies, and we had dinner with Noah and Aunt Wivvy! An’ we gotted ice cream!”

He smiled. “Yes we did, mija. I had fun too! And I know you’re going to have fun with Abuelita tonight. You know how she loves to make cookies with you!”

“I know, Papi...I just wanna see my daddy is all.” She sniffled a little, then pressed her head against his chest. “Why do you get to stay here with Daddy but I gotta go?”

Good question, but the answer wasn’t G rated. “Because I’m going to make sure Daddy has dinner, and probably wash his clothes for him, and make sure the house is quiet while he sleeps. We want him to sleep well tonight so he will be all ready to see you in the morning, right?”

Marley sat up, looking thoughtful. “I tan make dinner for him! I know how to make a sandwich an’ I tan also heat stuff up in the microwave if you watch me, Papi! An’ I’m good at puttin’ the clothes in the washer! I’m a good helper! Please tan I help? I’ll be so quiet, I promise!” She finished looking so hopeful that Rafael felt like the world’s biggest asshole when he answered her.

“I’m sorry, Marley, but no. This is something that Daddy asked and we agreed to before he left. I’m not going to break my promise to him.” Seeing her face drop, he added, “Plus, Abby’s looking forward to seeing you this afternoon! She texted me earlier to tell me that you guys are going to make something special for Daddy. Isn’t that cool?”

“Yeah, I guess,” she answered, sliding off her father’s lap. “Tan I wear Daddy’s NYPD shirt to sleep in? I wike it.”

“Sure,” he answered, and when she handed it to him, he folded it up and tucked it into the bag. He hated saying no to her, but he needed the time alone with his husband. Maybe it made him selfish, but he’d feel bad about that tomorrow, he decided, then focused on finishing her packing.

***

**_RBC:_ ** _ I heard you’re wrapping up and heading back home this evening. Just wanted to let you know that Marley will be at my mom’s. I’ll take care of dinner, if you’re hungry. Missed you! _

**_SBC:_ ** _ Sounds good. Not sure when I’ll be home--debriefing’s gonna take awhile on this. Missed you too, love. Looking forward to tonight. _

The chicken and rice was warming in the oven, and the salad sat on the counter. Rafael poured himself another glass of wine as he reclined on the couch, waiting for his husband. The last two weeks had been lonely. He thought about Liv and Amanda, both parenting children on their own, and he had a huge sense of admiration for them. He loved his daughter more than anything, but he knew he wouldn’t enjoy parenting her as much if he was doing it alone. Marlene was such a vibrant and active little soul, and it took a lot to keep up with her. He had been determined to keep her busy and maintain her schedule while Sonny was gone, and he had, but not without consequences. Sure, he had reminded her of all the fun things they had done together, but neither of them had mentioned the handful of mornings they ran late, or were grouchy with one another, or ate junk food for meals because he was too tired to cook. Nor had they mentioned the events of a few nights ago, when they had hit a hard stop and both had a crying meltdown shortly after getting home. 

_ “I said I want pizza, Papi!” Marlene whined. He knew she was tired and so was he, but they’d had pizza two nights ago and fucking McDonald’s the night before, so he told her no. _

_ “I want it!” she yelled, stomping up and down. He moved around her, trying to breathe calmly, and poked inside the fridge. Seeing he was ignoring her, she began jumping up and down. “I want my GOOD daddy!” she yelled at the top of her lungs. “I don’t want you bad Papi, you poopy poophead!” _

_ “Marlene!” he yelled back, and it felt good to release the anger a little. “Stop being a brat! That’s enough!” _

_ He’d never called her that before. He’d never called her anything other than loving nicknames. Her eyes flew wide and she froze for a second, then burst into tears and ran to her room, slamming the door. And Rafael collapsed on the couch in tears himself. _

_ He missed his husband. It had been thirteen days and he had no idea how Sonny was, or where he was. If he was safe or in danger, hungry or sated, in pain or comfortable. Wiping at his face, he calmed down, trying to remind himself that his job was to make sure his daughter was okay, and although she was currently unhappy, she was safe. But he felt completely empty inside, devoid. When Marlene approached him a little bit later, twisting her hair on her finger, he had no idea how long it had been. _

_ “I sorry, Papi,” she sniffled, and his first thought was that his four-year old was more mature than he was. “I so sorry.” _

_ He immediately reached for her, pulling her close to him. “Lo siento, mi princesa,” he said softly. “Extranamos a Daddy, no?” (We just miss Daddy, don’t we?) She nodded. “Hey, I have an idea,” he said, forcing a smile, “What do you say we skip your bath tonight? We can put our pj’s on, watch TV in Papi’s room, and we can make pb&j sandwiches for dinner. Si?” _

_ She nodded again. “Otay, Papi. I go change now. You wanna watch Stooby Doo? That’s your favorite.” _

_ “Sure,” he agreed. “You want grape or strawberry on your sandwich?” _

_ “Grape please.” _

_ And when she fell asleep in Sonny’s spot with one sticky little hand holding his, he let himself feel a bit of peace and let go of his worry for a moment.  _

No, he had no idea how Liv and Rollins managed on their own. Sonny was the glue that held their beautiful family together.

Normally, he and Sonny worked together in the evenings to care for Marlene until she went to bed; then it was their time together. Some evenings they spent it snuggled together watching TV or reading; some nights were spent just talking about all sorts of topics; still others were spent making love. But they were always spent touching and talking. He missed both terribly.

He hadn’t always, though. Before Sonny, Rafael had never been very physically affectionate. He was always aware of personal space and the importance of maintaining it, especially professionally. His romantic relationships had generally been brief with a lot of sex and not a lot of anything else. Sonny taught him the pleasure of snuggling next to his partner, of holding hands on a walk, of patting or stroking soft skin during discussions about important things or while watching TV game shows. Sonny was also the one person he swore he could never tire of talking with. Their conversations were always interesting and left him wanting more. He couldn’t say that for most people.

The night after their fight, in the middle of combing out his daughter’s hair, he suddenly realized he missed Sonny so much it hurt. His gut twisted into a knot and he literally had to put the comb down for a second. “What’s wrong, Papi?” Marlene had asked, wondering why he had stopped. He couldn’t explain it to her, at least not in the moment without crying, so he had shaken his head and started to comb her hair again. He knew he hadn’t fooled her, though, when she had climbed into her bed a little later and patted his arm. “It’s otay, Papi. Daddy will be back soon. I bet he’s thinkin’ about us too, just like you said last night!”

In moments like that, he knew they were doing a good job at raising a good human. But he also was very aware that he wasn’t doing it alone.

He finished his wine and checked his watch again. It was after eleven, and his eyelids were heavy from wine and waiting. Thinking maybe Sonny had texted, he checked his phone one more time, but there was nothing else. He made his way to the kitchen slowly, hoping dragging his feet might put a fire under his husband’s, and began to clean up the dinner they hadn’t eaten. When he was done and Sonny still hadn’t appeared, he wandered back to their bedroom and got dressed for bed. Pru, their little pug, followed him into the bedroom and made her way onto the bed, curling up at the foot, her spot when she wasn’t sleeping with Marley. 

Rafael climbed under the covers on his side, then tapped the bed next to him, getting the dog’s attention. She eagerly made her way to him, then licked his nose before circling around and laying down next to his face, on Sonny’s pillow. “I miss him, Pru,” he confessed quietly, petting the dog’s short hair. “I wish he was here.” He scratched her behind the ears, and she panted softly. “You think he’ll be here before morning, girl? You might have to move, huh?” He laughed softly to himself, mainly to keep from crying, then rolled over and turned off the light.

***

He was making pancakes for Sonny on the stove. “Babe, what flavor today?” he called to his other half, still in the bedroom. Pru was licking his bare foot and he wiggled it to move her away. “Quit, Pru.”

“Cannoli,” came the answer from the bedroom, so he opened the bag from the bakery and broke the shells and filling into the pancake batter. He combined it carefully, then slowly poured the batter into the hot pan. Pru licked his foot again, as though it were covered in batter. “Stop it, Pru! Quit!” he snapped, moving his foot away again. “You want some? Fine.” He picked up a whole cannoli and leaned down, feeding it to the little dog.

Sonny rounded the corner, completely naked and hard. Olivia was on his arm, naked as well. “Are you joining us or what?” Liv teased. “What’s the point of sending your kid to a sleepover if you don’t have a little fun?” Sonny looked at her and laughed, then kissed her.

Rafael stood, feeling confused, until Sonny held an arm out to him. “Come here, my beautiful lover,” he murmured, pulling Rafael in close and pressing a kiss to his cheek. “I love you so much,” he murmured in Rafael’s ear. Rafael closed his eyes, enjoying the feel of his husband. “I’ve missed you, Rafi.” There was a kiss pressed to his ear then, warm breath on the side of his face. He opened his eyes to find Sonny lying next to him in the bed, the lamp next to him turned on low. Sonny smiled at him. “Were you dreaming good dreams?” he asked softly.

Rafael smiled, closing his eyes again. “More like weird dreams,” he murmured back, then stretched to pull Sonny into his arms. He squeezed him tightly to make sure he was really home and he was awake. Satisfied, he gave a relaxing sigh. “I missed you so much, Soleado. How long have you been here? I wrapped dinner up...I can reheat it--”

“I’m not hungry,” Sonny shook his head. “I got home just a few minutes ago...however long it takes to lock the door, walk in here, strip, take a piss, and climb in bed with you.” He reached over and ran his fingers through Rafael’s hair. “I’m sorry I wasn’t home earlier. The debriefing was hell...they’re gonna order mandatory check-ins for me with the company shrink for awhile, I think.” Seeing Rafael’s expression turn to concern, he added, “I’m okay… it’s not just me who’s going to need support. I overheard Liv saying something about anyone under was being referred to psych services.” He was quiet for a moment. “Babe, this one was rough.”

“Sonny.” Rafael caught his husband’s hand and kissed it. They lay there for several moments in silence, just holding hands. Rafael knew Sonny would speak when he was ready, but he couldn’t help but wonder what he’d seen. This particular case wasn’t one he would be prosecuting; therefore, he’d had very little information on it. Finally, Rafael brought Sonny’s hand back to his lips, kissing the fingers, then the top of the hand, before turning it over and kissing the delicate skin of Sonny’s wrist. “Te quiero mas que a la vida, Soleado. (I love you more than life, Sonny.) I’m here for whatever you need, honey.”

Sonny’s eyes were wet with tears. He blinked them back slowly. “You know it was a trafficking case. It’s always hard tracking that stuff down, and we were following a chain of girls we thought were being trafficked into the city from across state lines. It was intermingled with adoptions--that’s how we caught on in the first place--too many girls between ten and seventeen being adopted through the same three agencies.” He grew quiet and wiped his eyes. “Three days ago I got paperwork from my ‘boss’ that included the sale of three young children, supposed siblings, ages six, three, and one. My boss tells me they’d been a special request for someone he knows. A ‘repeat customer’. So that means wherever these kids are supposed to be going, the person they’re going to already has kids they’re abusing in ways I can’t even put into words. So the boss hands me their photos for the file. And the baby, she’s a year old and she’s so tiny, Rafi. Big, green eyes, coffee colored skin, just like our baby. Just like Marlene.” His body was shaking all over, and so were his words. “It was the closest in my career that I’ve ever come to blowing my cover. I can honestly say I could’ve shot that bastard in the face and watched him bleed out, and I wouldn’t have regretted a second.” A choked sob caught in his throat. “Tonight, I waited this late in part just to be sure that if Marley was here, she’d be asleep. I’m not ready to see her yet. I’m too tired and emotional, and the last thing she needs is for me to lose my shit. I just want to hold her and never let go. I want to keep her safe forever.” Rafael reached for him, feeling his own tears fall, and pulled Sonny in tight. “My baby,” Sonny whispered, shaking, and Rafael kissed his temple.

“You saved those children,” Rafael murmured into his ear. “Those three and many more. You saved them, honey. I’m so proud of you. Their nightmare is over because of you.”

“Rafi,” he whispered roughly into his husband’s chest, “please don’t let go of me. Please.”

So Rafael held on tightly throughout the night, through bouts of tears and whispers of words and fears and loving, until they both were depleted and fell asleep against each other.

***

Rafael poured more shampoo into his palm, then worked it into his hair. He knew he was overworking it, but he didn’t care. He needed a little time to clear his head and to make up for the lack of rest the night before.

Sonny was still in bed, sound asleep from what he could tell, and he was relieved to see that. After everything he’d shared last night about the pedophile sex ring he’d helped to take down, Rafael could understand why Liv was insisting on referring him to a shrink. There had been no romantic reconnecting last night, like he’d planned. Instead, he’d held a man who desperately needed his love and reassurance. He wondered how Sonny would do with Marlene coming home today, if he was ready.

“Can I join you?” He turned around to see his husband stepping into the shower, beautifully bare and still a little fuzzy from sleep. Sonny was wearing a gentle smile on his face and scratching his chest, and suddenly Rafael couldn’t imagine a better way to take a shower.

“Of course you can,” he said, stepping back from the spray and making room for Sonny to stand under it. “If you’re lucky I’ll even help you wash.”

Sonny moved under the spray and tilted his head back, while Rafael admired the water sluicing down his body. As always, he was long and lithe, firm muscles rippling under pale skin. A light smattering of hair covered his chest, then trailed from his navel down to his semi-hard cock. “To be honest, Rafi, I was hoping you’d wash my hair,” Sonny told him, and handed him the shampoo.

“Well, bend back a little more. I didn’t grow any taller while you were gone,” he teased, then poured a handful of the musky-scented liquid into his husband’s hair. He scrubbed firmly and quickly, the way Sonny liked, and then with hands full of foam, began to massage his shoulders. Sonny’s muscles were drawn tight, and Rafael used his thumbs to begin to work some of the knotting out until Sonny moaned loud enough to easily be heard over the water.

“You okay?” Rafael asked as he kept working.

“Yeah,” Sonny told him, then handed him a soaped-up sponge and turned around. Rafael held the sponge in one hand, raising his eyebrow at the expectation. Sonny smiled at him. “You don’t mind doing my front, do you?” he asked innocently, then leaned forward and pressed his lips against Rafael’s as a tease.

Rafael stepped back. “If that’s what you want,” he replied, then began to wash Sonny’s chest and armpits quickly and thoroughly. He moved around to Sonny’s back, washing it and then quickly doing his ass, taking a moment to slide a finger down the crack before turning toward Sonny’s front again. “Where’d I leave off?” he said aloud, pretending to talk to himself, until Sonny caught his wrist and brought the sponge down to his cock. Rafael looked up to meet beautiful ice-blue eyes staring at him. “Oh yeah,” he said, winking, “that IS where I left off.” Carefully soaping up his husband’s thighs, then balls, he finally soaped his cock gently, then wrapped a fist firmly around him, tugging from the base. “Gorgeous,” he said, as much to himself as to his husband, and his fist began to fly quickly over Sonny’s manhood. Rafael leaned forward, kissing Sonny deeply as the taller man moaned into his mouth. He guided Sonny toward the shower wall until he was pressed against it, sucking on his bottom lip before moving back and eyeing him from head to toe.

He wanted time. Time to explore and inspect every inch of Sonny, to insure no damage had been done, physically or otherwise. Time to worship, time to tease, time to arouse every synapse and every cell. But he knew now wasn’t the moment for that. Despite Sonny’s flirtations and invitations, there was a nervous energy about him, something frenetic behind his eyes. Rafael kissed his way down his husband’s body, hands following, until he reached Sonny’s cock. Rinsing it quickly, he opened his mouth and swallowed the tip, sucking firmly.

“Yes,” he heard above him, and he felt two hands combing through his hair, then tugging. He loved that feeling, and Sonny knew just how much; he sucked the cock in his mouth farther down and then let the hands in his hair guide his position and his movement. “Jesus, I’ve missed this,” Sonny groaned. “Missed your mouth, how you take me down, baby...please, unh…”

Rafael stretched his mouth farther, sucking Sonny down as far as he could, feeling the tip tickling the top of his throat. He pulled back, swallowed, and pushed forward again, his nose resting against Sonny’s hair. Focused on the warm, thick cock in his mouth, he sucked hard and ignored his watering eyes and aching knees. A hand in his hair gripped tightly and he heard his husband groaning loudly above him. Rafael ran his hands up the back of Sonny’s thighs to his ass, squeezing, then slipping one finger up and down his crack.

“Fuck, baby…” The hand in Rafael’s hair yanked hard and he felt the warm, salty fluid run down his throat, and a feeling of satisfaction flowed through him. Sonny’s hand let go of his hair and he pulled back slowly, letting Sonny’s cock slip from his mouth. Sonny was looking down at him, a half smile on his face, and he reached out and swiped a train of fluid from his cock to Rafael’s mouth. “You’re incredible,”he said, helping Rafael stand. “Thank you for that.”

Rafael wrapped his arms around Sonny’s neck. “I wish I could fix everything. I wish I could make it better, baby. I love you more than I can say.”

Sonny reached past him, turning off the spray. “You do make it better, Rafi. You give me something worth coming home to.” 

***

“Daddy!” Marlene jumped off the couch and made a beeline to Sonny, throwing her arms around his waist. “I misseded you SO much! I wove you, I wove you, I wove you! Did Papi tell you I wove you SO much? Didja miss me? Didja think about your wittle girl every day, wike you said you would?”

Sonny laughed, then picked her up into his arms. “I missed you too, Marley Mae, and I love you to the moon and back, my sweet dolly.” He kissed her cheeks. “I thought about you every single day, sweet girl, and I’m so glad to be home!” Squeezing his daughter close, he held his free arm out. “Hey, Lucia,” he said, welcoming her into a hug.

“Ah, mi soleado, she’s not the only one who missed that sunny smile!” Lucia kissed him on the cheek as she squeezed him tight, then stepped back to give him room with Marley. “It’s so good to see you, Sonny.”

Marley looked in her daddy’s face. “Daddy, me an’ Abby made somethin’ weally good for you! Wanna see? You’re gonna WOVE it!” she said dramatically, then started laughing.

“Sure,” he chuckled, putting her back down on the floor. He took a seat next to Rafael on the couch while Lucia helped Marley in the kitchen.

“Here, Daddy! Wookit! Happy...happy...uh, happy welcome home, Daddy!” She brought him a clear plastic bag decorated with stickers and four-year old marker drawings. Inside were no-bake cookies, one of Sonny’s favorites. He grinned as he took the package from Marlene and examined it, taking his time. “Don’t worry, Daddy...I tried them for you to make sure they were so good. And they ARE! Wight, Abby? We tried them.”

Lucia chuckled. “Yes, we did, nieta. These are some of your daddy’s favorites.”

Sonny laughed. “Yep! I knew I’d won you over when you made these for me the first time.” He opened the bag and took out a cookie. “They look delicious, Marley Mae.” He took a bite. “Yum!”

“Yay!” she exclaimed, clapping her hands. She reached for the bag, then stopped. “Uh, tan I have one, Daddy?”

He laughed again. “Of course you can, dolly. And share with everyone, okay? Papi and Abby too.” Marley made sure everyone had a cookie, then climbed into her daddy’s lap.

“Tan we go home now?” she asked. “Pru wants a tookie too.”

Rafael chuckled. “I don’t think you can give these to Pru, baby. They have chocolate in them, and that can make her sick.”

Marley’s face fell in disappointment. “I guess you’ll have to eat it for her,” Sonny said, handing another cookie to his daughter.

“Weally?” She perked up immediately. “I’ll tell her all about it!” she said, and they all chuckled.

Rafael leaned closer to his husband, feeling content in the moment, and incredibly grateful. As painful as his work was, Sonny did his damnedest to come back completely for his family time and again. Closing his eyes, he pressed a soft kiss against his husband’s bicep, and said a silent prayer this would be the way all their separations would end.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this fic. Kudos and comments are truly monumental and make this writer's day--and often keep her writing!


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